“Wants over needs” Issue

We all want things in our lives. We all know that we cannot have all things that we want. But what if we got all that we want? Is it really something we really should have? It’s a question I have been thinking about lately.

Recently, a guy out of the closet, who lives somewhere downstairs from me. I could clearly see that he was feminine and “swishy.” I could also sense that “gay tude” exuding from him. I thought to myself, if he didn’t have the tude or if he were more masculine, I’d probably date him. He wasn’t “cute” in a superficial way, but had a certain set of things I look for in other men, if I date them. Just the 2 things got in the way. I then left him alone and only say hello to him from time to time.

I walked by his car the other day, just like I always had done many times before. I saw something new. It was something that slapped me in the face.

We all know that President Obama “released” the gay troops in public, at a gay dinner. The dinner was for the equal right coalition…. or the yellow equals sign on the blue box. THis had many, including me, equate that symbol as a gay marker. I am not alone on this. One of my friends is under that same exact impression. Her thoughts were “queens already have enough symbols of themselves.” She said it far more politely than I would have.
We both think that there are too many symbols for one group of people. The triangle, the lambda, the multi-color (rainbow) flag, the double “Shield and arrow” male symbol… need I go on? Now there’s one more to add to the list.

The one that I saw the other day was the new one, yellow equals sign on the blue box.

I though to myself…. “Overkill!” Everyone can tell he is gay, now he really made himself gay. I described his mannerisms above, but didn’t think he NEEDED to do this.

I then began to ask myself, “what if we all got what we wanted all the time?” I know I am seeing it in many other places and am starting to think that it’s poisoning the meanings of other things.

Lets take money. If nobody works to get money, everyone gets a welfare check, money is not regained or reclaimed by the government, who is going to give out those welfare and SSI/SSDI checks? Nobody will be able to, if the meaning of money dries up, since everyone is getting what they want… a tax free welfare payment.

I am see ing this exact same thing with the gay community. Coming out is no longer an event, an attention getter, an aww maker, doesn’t thrust one into hero status (as once before), it also is not making people respect those who are attracted to their own genders… or any other of the LBGT (lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender) community. The meaning of the “gay community” is too watered down. It’s made gays “spoiled.”

With that being said, one of my semi-closeted friends mentioned that I might be rather successful at my job, because they know I am gay, yet I have not confirmed it. I look at it as being selfish for me to “come out” and force those co-workers to not have a choice on how much they know me. I find that it’s not watering down who I am and who I am attracted to. I also seem to be getting enough respect to be at my job 14 years, when all other gays have been long gone. Hence, I am not watering down what I am and what I stand for, by giving other people a choice. I am not poisoning people around me.

I realize that I am only one of the 10% (as previous reports showed and not have updated since) of the USA. I live with that, since it’s not me (my homosexual self and thinking) in the majority. I’m not trying to minimize my sexuality…. I’m just not trying to let it out of where it belongs and where it should stay.

Next question to ponder… will this ever happen if gays ever decide to become human?

Giving ourselves away too much

Recently, there have been many stories on the teenage fellow who was promoting that being gay was going to be fine, in time. He was telling the world that being out of the closet is hard, but will get better. However, he suddenly took his own life. His name was Jayme Rodemeyer. His parents didn’t even know what he was going through. Now he is to be a martyr for homosexuals everywhere.

I do have to say that I feel for Jayme and fell bad that he was overtaken by something… Therefore, taking his own life.

Now comes the part that really is controversial…. It was his own fault, partially.

I am not being mean, when I say that this guy was in over his head, in what he did to himself. He was on Facebook, Youtube, and other social media, giving other people ammunition against himself. People were able to see who he exactly was, what he sounded like, where he lived, etc. His community alone, knew him too intimately. And for a teenager of 14 years old to be letting everyone in his world and beyond know this… actually is kind of sick. He seemed to be too far out there, while the parents watched him do it.

There’s allot on the privacy of social media…and how powerful it is. This is one case that it turned out wrong, in so many ways. Jayme gave too much away on it.

Another case and point, not of Jayme…. But of Chaz Bono. I feel that most people would not have gave a flig if they saw someone named Chaz Bono….and never knew anyone was “changed” into him. I’m pretty sure that Chastity keeping quiet and not giving away ammo to the public, would not have caused negative publicity and feelings.

There are a few lessons from both Jayme Rodemeyer and Chaz Bono:

1)  Stop telling everyone your business. They WILL use it against you, while making you think you are adored. As things look great for you, they may just not be. You do not have to be gay, homosexual, transgender… or anything to get burned.

2) There is no privacy on social media. What you put on the internet…. is no longer your own. You cannot control it. So putting things out there can get out of control…and out of your’s. This means that someone else is in charge of a site or service… and anyone can copy, download and get something and store it somewhere, for infinite amounts of time.

3) It’s disrespectful to be so out. If it were respectful… would people have taunted Jayme and many other homosexual/gay teens and adults? That’s doubtful. Also, by coming out… you are not thinking of your peers and community…. you are thinking of yourself. Remember, being gay is not an attention getter, as it once was. I know, myself. That’s why I stayed in the closet. For me, it would have effected too many people negatively.

4) All actions have consequences, no matter what Hollywood says or had said. People do not respect the gay community, as a whole. They still think gays want “special rights,” by getting special anti-discrimination and marriage laws in place. A move towards another name for “gay marriage” and heterosexual marriage should be strived for. This whole idea of  “gay marriage” is a special right, based on the institution that’s been around forever. Maybe that institution needs to be abolished and be called or made into something else… that’s not “special rights”… or equal to everyone. I’m homosexual… and even seeing “marriage” as a special right. The world will not respect gays, as long as they want special rights. I cannot respect my own community, until it decides to forge towards EQUAL change.

5) If you want to be transgender…. be it… don’t just blab about it. go from one sex to the other…and fully live it. Do not go back or tell everyone. Many transgender people tell of their switch… which actually holds them back. They tend to be unemployable, but not disabled. Keeping quiet on the switch, may assist a better future. Being quiet is not denying, but just not talking in public  or work about it. And yes, I did know transgender people, in my past. I saw what happened to them… and what lead up to it.

At least think about these lessons, before you do anything in public… even “swish” about. You may be giving too much away, that you might not want to give away, even without Facebook or YouTube.

Gay Marriage: It’s NEVER going to be time!

The big topic of today seems to be New York’s huge gay marriage events this last weekend.

I am truly glad of those who want to actually get into relationships. However, I am not at all pleased to see so many people trying to make a political statement. I also am not a fan of person’s who mock what real marriage is.

Toledo, Ohio seems to have had it’s own version of “gay marriage statements” being made as well. This event always took place on Valentine’s day. A local couple “Tom and John” always made it to the courthouse to get a marriage license. However, one year, it was revealed on who the couple really was.

I was actually shocked! I knew the man. I also know him intimately. But now I realized I did not know him in the light I thought. Tom was always on one of the “major gay chat sites” that also owned a magazine. That’s how we met. We met for regular adult “get-togethers” and seemed to hit it off. I surely didn’t know of his other side. Neither did most of the gay chat room.

What was amazing to me… was that he and his “partner” were both seeking adult fun, separately. I would always see John in the same chat room too, sometimes at the same time as Tom.

Needless to say, their relationship was not of one that was “traditional” in nature.

As this aired on WTOL 11, they mentioned that the couple was trying to get married on the same day for years, yet kept getting turned down.

What I am feeling… is that this whole situation is not only NOT worthy of being in marriage, because it’s not true… but is also activist, in nature.

Now if marriage is going to happen for gays, we MUST make sure it is of pure, innocent nature. Not a political statement, that mocks the whole institution.

Yes, marriage can give legal boundaries for the gay community (who already tends to be irresponsible), but it also gives certain rights to those who want to commit to relationships…and stay committed.

But now here’s something to think about: If marriage is between a man and a woman, what’s to say that we should not move in a direction that makes a new term for it. Why can we not call it something like “getting spoused?”
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If it can work for various other titles…like “Director of First Impressions” as being a receptionist… Why could it not work here? We know “marriage” is not a term we homosexuals (and gay people) will never be able to use federally, or within some states. Let’s call it something else, for both gay and straight couples.

Marriage will never be accessible by the gay community. People are noticing the political statements the gay community is making, mocking what marriage is all about; and it’s also about the actual term being protected and how it discriminates against same sex couples (which is the same thing as “Separate but Equal”).

No, it’s never going to be time for “gay marriage.”

Conservative gay: The new terrorist?

The writing is already on the wall. Michelle Bachman will be a terrorist.  Conservatives who share her views and persons who are open to her point of view (since this is America, with guaranteed free speech through the First Amendment) will soon become terrorists too. Seems that those who do not think like the “norm” of American society… will soon be associated with Michelle Bachman.  “Norm” meaning no rules for anyone and total freedom without responsibility or repercussions.

With this being said, because I hold “family values” as a major virtue to keeping my life and the rest of the country in order, I will soon be a terrorist too, by association. Never mind my thinking that hurting anyone human or animal… not for food or other sustenance. Part of this comes from my root of being abused, and seeing animals abused too, as a kid… even in foster homes and adoptive homes, besides with my biological parents.

Is it really fair to call me a terrorist? Since I do not have the resources, the willingness to harm anyone, not to mention “flashbacks,” I definitely think this label is not fair, for myself. I even intentionally “think ahead” and look how my actions make others suffer, as I once had done. I believe that I’m the furthest thing from being a terrorist. Therefore, I can clearly say that even thinking that I am one is not fair to the person calling the “terrorist.” When you look at it, it actually insults the accuser, who refuses to look at the total evidence in front of them, that I have no such intentions or inclinations.

Just because I like Michelle Bachman’s message, does not mean that I have any inclinations of being a terrorist, having ill will towards others, nor myself. She also has a right to her thoughts, as WE ALL DO, per the Constitution of the United States. It’s not fair to associate her or me to Oslo Norway and the Conservative Killer, who wreaked havoc in Oslo and the camping island area. Same for any other conservative doing badly, and myself.

Terrorist, definitely not. Conservative, definitely.

Sex: Difference from being bi or straight

When it comes to sexuality, i can now say that most of us are at least a little curious about the other side of the fence. Sometimes we dabble in the waters that seem to be forbidden, quenching our thirst of what we are not supposed to do. This includes homosexuality.

Throughout my life, I had many bad homosexual sex experiences. The question I asked myself…. What is so different from a man who acknowledges he sleeps with other men…. versus the man who calls himself straight. Seems the answer is rather simple. Let me explain.

A man who sleeps with other men will traditionally allow himself to assist the other male in getting to climax. On the other hand, the “straight” man, refuses to bring his partner to climax, because he cannot or simply refuses to deal with male sex parts, other than his own. I have also noticed that straight males tend to be rather selfish in nature, based on what they want sexually. Many straight men will also be scared of “dirty anal” love making. They will always insist on their male partner douching, before they will even think about that form of love making.

The one issue that I have with these males is that they tend to be masculine, and rather appealing in my eyes. “I cannot stand a prissy man”…. such as Julia Sugarbaker once said on Designing Women. I feel the same way. I’d be more attracted to John Wayne than I would be with Richard Simmons. Straight men aren’t prissy… well mostly, if they didn’t shave their chests and curl their hair… or even use hair spray or use “Manscara.”

Too bad most of the good masculine men play games, as I detailed above.

Introduction to why I’m not gay

Hello to all of you out there. I have to say that this blogging experience is about MY EXPERIENCES, which may not be typical of others’ experiences.

I am a 41 Year old homosexual male, who is attracted to men. I knew of this attraction at the age of 5, when i realized that my father spanking me… somehow felt good. I later became a teenager and had thoughts on what I wanted to do to our mailman. This confirmed that I was not heterosexual. Sure, I did dabble in females, ladies, etc., in my high school years. I then found out that men had what I needed.

I had bumped into many a gay men, within my lifetime. Some healthy, some with AIDS, some peppy, some down to earth. Seems that I always ran into the same things.

I just cannot understand why someone who is gay… has to tell the world? Really… is how one has sex that important to the world?

As for my thinking on this…. being “out” is now “rubbish.” I now see gay men mentioning that they are gay, within the first sentence. I’m so glad that they put their life on display… particularly, the .5% of the bedroom, non-sleeping habits. This is no longer a novelty to many I have talked to, who are not gay. In fact, it’s seen as annoying. I tend to agree. I see guys say “Hi, I’m Billy… I’m gay, by the way.” I think to myself “As if we couldn’t tell already!” Why are people no longer human? why must we separate ourselves? It’s not like we are fighting for our freedom anymore, other than “marriage.”

I have also ran into another common theme… Gays vote Democrat only. Not true. I am Libertarian, with Republican values sprinkled in. For the last 15 years, have notice me being “family values” and “respect,” along with “personal responsibility minded.” Living in the AIDS years, being hurt by disrespect of others, and the general disregard for others in the gay community… gently guided me to being more… shall I say it…. “CONSERVATIVE and homosexual.”

If you have noticed, I do not call myself “gay.” I am not happy being “gay.” I am not happy with the community that calls itself by the same name. To me, there is just to much “live and let live,” which is why millions of the gay community died. Same goes for catching social diseases, back and forth.

I have had a hard time in the gay community, with the gay community too. I guarantee that I am not the only one…. just the only person who is willing to openly talk about it.

I can already see gay community members and gay or sympathetic activists saying that I need to go to the electric chair… because it’s already happened. That’s the total disregard of someone else’s thinking and free speech. I was also termed a “hater.”

I want to know who else had a bad experience in the gay community, as I go along writing about my travels and coping with being homosexual and avoiding the gay community. Feel free to put up constructive comments to this blog. I can’t be the only one who’s had a struggle.